I'm back..

writing to myself again.

Holy crap, the last time I wrote was in March and it is now the middle of August. I should be very disappointed in myself. Haha. I left off in Psych class doing scholarship stuff and getting ready for college. So much has happened since then.

I finally got my academic letter, the last quarter of my high school career. I would like to point out though that I got a medal for being on honor roll 12 or more times. There was only like 12 of the seniors that got it. Weird... only half the people on NHS got the medal and the other half didn't but I was not in NHS. Weird. I will stop ranting about that now.

Tim Martin and I were walking buddies because we are the shortest in our class. Haha. We knew this would happen since freshman year and we accepted in gracefully. I made my speech at Baccalaureate and I knew that my family would start bringing up Grandpa, but I wanted to make sure that he was part of my graduation ceremony in some way where he couldn't be there physically. Graduation, for the most part, went smoothly. Tim and I lead the class with pride. Project grad, that night, was quite fun. I am surprised I didn't fall asleep. I won a blu-ray though.

Now to the boy drama. Last we knew was the drama from Sadies. I was more hurt from that than anything but oh well. Nothing really happened after that til prom. I was very stuck on who to invite to prom and I mean stuck. I really didn't know what to do about it. I finally decided to ask Jack. I felt bad though cause his prom was the same night but he said he didn't ant to go to it anyways. I was very stressed out on the day of prom. That morning, I had my singles tennis tournament. The early afternoon was Kristina's college graduation. I am someone who want to plan everything out and be done by a certain time. So I stressed out then I stressed Jack out but it got better. Prom was a blast. I really had fun. I felt absolutely gorgeous, except for in pictures, but that's my insecurity for you. I just can't win. But anyways, Jack and I got along well together. I felt like he was going to kiss me when he dropped me off but it didn't happen. We pretty much talked non-stop after that. We started dating before graduation and I really liked him. I thought he would be the one to get Mat out of my mind completely. Let's just say, he really hurt my feelings and showed me how much a dick he really is. He broke up with me after an exact month because we never saw each other. He stopped trying. As simple as that; he stopped trying to see me. He came over to my house once and I understand he didn't have gas money, but he never once invited me to his house. I had my license (oh yeah, I got my license, shockingly, five days before my 18th birthday) and I could have drove there, but no. Never once did he really make an effort. He started out to be really sweet but it just disappeared. Oh well. That's life.

Mat and I are still talking. Of course we don't talk like we did when we were dating but I wish we would. We are only talking now because he was buying my ap calc book from me, but now that the exchange is done, I probably won't hear from him anymore. I understand he has his own life and he will find someone who he loves everything about. Is it bad that sometimes I still wish that was me? If you couldn't figure it out, there are still lingering feelings for him. I guess the only thing I can do is give up. I am leaving for college soon so nothing really matters.

Other guys have kind of looked my way but truthfully, and pardon the language, but I don't give a fuck. I am so sick of being hurt; being the only one who is trying; being the only who is hurt but jack asses.

I leave for UMF on August 27th. I am very excited. My roommate is Alisha Gustin. She sounds so nice. We have only talked over the internet and text but that is fine because I still can kind of understand her personality and see how this year is going to be. She will be a sophomore so I will have someone who is close to ask questions if I need help. We are living in Scott North 214. We are almost next to the bathrooms, which are singles so I don't have to worry about seeing guys junk bright and early in the morning, but they could still be living next door to me. Gotta love my life.

Well I better go to bed. I don't know when the next time I will update this again but it's a good way for me to let stuff out and blow off some steam.

Don't Hurt Me.

I know, I know, I know. It has been over a month, wait, almost two months since the last time I updated. So before I was saying how I needed to smarten up, and that Sadies was coming up. I don't want to get into it much but there was A LOT that went down at Sadies, but oh well.

After that, I haven't really done much; it's been my usual routine besides my brother-in-law getting a new job so my babysitting schudule changed a little. I now babysit Monday's and Saturday's, both until 5.

I went to the DU Banquet (Ducks Unlimited). I got a necklace that has DU logo on it, but luckily you can't really see the logo. :D On that same day, Sean's car wouldn't start because the battery died, so I had to wait for my mom to bring him the jumper cables to start it but it wouldn't start. I got there late but didn't miss much. I so have to state this: there were some really HAWT guys there. Oh my.

Yesterday was Kaitlyn's and Jeremy's wedding. Aunt Lorna and Uncle Ron was late to the ceremony because they were playing super hero and stayed with a wandering 3 year old until the police came. Aunt Lorna slammed the door as she came in.

Right now, I am in Psychology but there is a sub so we have a study hall. All I have done this week is get scholarship stuff together because I have 3 due on Wednesday and Thursday, so I am stressing a bit. They are pretty much done. I hate writing essays though. BLAH. I will be so excited when this process is done. I am hoping for some big moolah.

Today marks the first day of tennis. Our first practice is today after school. I am quite excited.

Here's to continuing the blog, if I am not too busy.

For once, I cannot think of a quote.

Song of the Week: I loved Her First by Heartland
Dad, during the father-daughter dance, started crying while this song was playing. He must have been listening to the words, because this is the song that played while his dance with Kristina at her wedding.

Floating

I wish that I could float along through life. What I mean is that I wish I could go through life easily; no problems and no drama, but I don't see that dream coming true. I feel like I should really smarten up. I still have feelings for my ex, Mat, which isn't good. I need to move in life, and that is the first step. Next is to go to college. Yay!

Sadies is around the corner, and I will be completely alone. All of my friends have boyfriends or dates and I got nothing. Just my luck. I thought of a couple guys that I could ask but I won't because I don't want drama. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I am pretty much used to being ignored and left out with my friends. How to fix it? I can't. If they don't want me involved in something, there isn't much that I can do. I wish there was because I really love my friends, but there isn't. I feel lonely after school, when they join into the infamous circle which is the way the exclude people. It doesn't take much effort to move in and make the circle smaller but it also doesn't take much effort to make the circle bigger to include your "friends" but I am not trying to give a Geometry lesson.

We had a Renaissance assembly today, and I got some thing where I get 10% off at Attitude's hair salon and 10% Maynord's Chocolate; so useful. And when they started calling down people I thought I saw someone that looked like my father, thankfully it wasn't. Haha. But for some reason they still have said that I haven't made honor roll 10 times. I have only missed one quarter, and we are starting the 14th. How does that make sense? Wow, more people with math problems. Fan-dan-tastic.

Well that's it I guess.

Quote of the Week: "Old people are so cute." "I know, they are so cute that I could just pet them."

Quote of the Week 2: "Gawd I am short."

Manga of the Week: Sakurahime Kaden

Sorry

I stopped for a bit, again, so I say sorry. Life has been interesting. So many things are happening. So, Sadies is coming up soon, March 4th, and so I asked someone. I asked Mike McCann and was shot down. He said no because he really didn't want to go anyways. I asked him as friends because we both don't like grinding so there wouldn't be any pressure, but I totally understand why he said no and there are no hard feelings. I don't know who else to ask so I guess I won't. Oh well.

Midterms and Semester 1 has ended and I had straight A's. Win! I no longer have computer apps and my study halls have been switched...blah. I was just getting used to and liking my study halls. Just my luck. Can I switch them again? And instead of computer apps I have chorus, which I must say is much better.

Right now, I don't know what's going on with my love life. I had another talk with Ryan and I told him that I didn't like him that way because last time we talked about it, I couldn't answer him. I felt really bad. I feel like there are guys I like, but I am not sure. I am not sure about most of my feelings at this point. I don't know where my life is going right now. I am just going to take things one step at a time and not worry about too much. My next step is to choose a college and send in the deposit, and I may even wait until I get to college before I do anything about it. I just don't know. I have also been filling out scholarship applications. Hey, money is moolah.

Well I guess that is it.

Quote of the week: "Well do you want me to come over there and strip for you?"
You gotta love Rodrigo and the crazy things he says when he types something wrong or not using very understandable english. He makes me giggle.

No Title

I don't know what to name this, so I just won't. So last time, school was about to be let out for vacation, thank goodness. Christmas was pretty good, besides Kristina and Sean feeling the need to be jerks and make fun of me and the manga books I read. This is why I hide a lot of things about myself because my family and some of my friends are so judgmental and it is just so frustrating and upsetting. The next day I came down with a cold, well at least it was after Christmas. Tuesday after Christmas, Rhiannon and Brayden spent the night. Brayden was over because Kristina and Sean were going out for their anniversary, and I said I couldn't babysit because I was sick and after Rhi said she could come over. Wednesday morning Kristina came over and we had homemade waffles and hot chocolate. After everyone left, beside Rhi and myself, Rhi started to feel sick. And 2 minutes after she, as she would say, spewed everywhere, well by the chair and in the door way of the bathroom, and her vomit smelt like peppermint hot chocolate, and I had to clean it up, and all we had to clean it with was paper towels. You know that you are true friends when you will clean up each others puke. I love her! This experience strengthened our friendship. Haha. She now owes me her life, or at least a weekend when Oban: Star Racers come in, which I ordered on the Monday after Christmas. I am so excited.

So I didn't do anything for New Years, or New Years eve, besides throwing my back out. I definetely have my father's genes. So now, I have to crush up an aleeve for the pain and heat my back. Why!?!?! Thanks a lot Dad.

Not much has happened since school started back up. Oh well.

Anime of the Week: Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni
I am addicted, which isn't good because it is very gruesome and gory in some parts. But it is very well thought out it. I love how it has a mystery and you slowly learn the answers but they are revealed in different "dimensions" which occur over the same week.
Anime of the Week 2: Fruits Basket
I watched over vacation while I was sick and hurt. The manga, I must say, was much better than the anime but it still shows the love triangle between Kyo, Yuki, and Tohru.
Manga of the Week: Black Bird
It is very good and cute. It has some action in it but also some love. It shows how much a guy can love someone and what he will do to protect her.

4 and 1

I am pumped! Today is the 21st of December which means there are four days until Christmas '10. It also means that tomorrow is my last day of school, before vacation. I still have almost six months before I graduate, June 8th! It has been kind of busy lately, and I don't even know how to cope. Mom has been busy cleaning the house so it isn't a mess before Kristina, Sean, Brayden, and Grammy come over for Christmas morning. I am quite excited. It should be interesting because Kristina wasn't too happy about us not going to her house for Christmas morning, when truthfully I didn't want to anyways. I would rather have Christmas at my house, where I can roll out of bed, stay in pajamas, and mozy into the living. Oh that's the life.

Lately, I have been thinking about a lot of things: past relationships and whether I regret them, what will happen to me in the future, or even if someone who I see almost every day at school likes me; and I don't even think I like him. I just have issues. I think if there is one relationship I miss it would be my last one. It just seemed like that was when I was the happiest, but I know that I can't go back to that time and it will be hard to mimic. That's just how it is, I just have to look forward to the future, but at least there are fond memories that I can look back on.

I have also been having weird dreams too. And when I say weird, I mean it. Like, I don't even know where to start. I had one where I was pregnant, and I won't go into too much detail for this one, but my body had symptoms of the pregnancy that is the complete opposite of how it should be. Yeah, I know, don't even say it. Some of the dreams last night were weird but some were actually pretty awesome. My family was going to get a dog, so we saw an ad in the newspaper, and we had to meet them at McDonald's to meet them and the little dog, and when we get there they have the dog hidden inside of the guys jackets. All three of them were just sitting and eating like nothing was out of the ordinary. Oh, and did I mention that these guys were in college and wicked hawt! Ow ow. Mom was trying to embarrass me, which I wasn't too happy about but after I was hanging out with them in their dorm room. Then some girl said something to me along the lines of "And you left your home without your pull-ups" and I smeared something on her face, I think it was either ketchup or salsa because it was red. Haha. That was pretty much the end of that one because Shadow woke me up. Tubby! The next dream, well two that kind of mixed, was kind of strange, and I am so mean in this one. Think of the movie Zombieland, then mix that with post apocalyptic era and World War II and you have the setting for the dream. I was at college alone because everyone left to go home but my parents didn't want me to drive home alone so Dad and Uncle Ron were coming up, one to drive me and one to take my car. I was told to wait in my dorm room, with the door locked, and to not let anyone in. After someone came to my room yelling saying that the building was going to blow up, which worried me so I opened the door and some guy was there and tried to strangle me and my dad came up with his shot gun and started beating him up and almost shot him but I told him that we needed to leave. The next part of the dream makes no sense, but I was in a SUV and grocery shopping and I saw one of my friends mom outside and she was asking for help, cause supposedly I was a cop or something, and I ignored her and just drove off and that is when I woke up. Does someone want to analyze my dreams for me, I want to know what they mean.

That's pretty much my life right now.

Song of the Week: Where are You Christmas by Faith Hill
I am trying to be in the Christmas mood, haha.

Take It Easy

That pretty much explains everything I am feeling and thinking at this moment. I have been so stressed with everything that is going on in life right now that my mind and body is barely holding together, and I mean barely. I have been stressed about getting into college, paying for it, and most importantly and recently choosing between Farmington and Machias. I am terrified that I make the wrong choice and ruin my future. I have been stressed about paying for college, ecspecially since Saturday, when I decided to quit my job, which add unneeded stress. Saturday night, I was so nervous and stressed that I was physically sick and couldn't stand the look or smell of any food. Sunday wasn't much better. I barely ate anything because my stomach was bothering me, and we had whipped potatoes which is my favorite but I couldn't stomach it. Peanut Butter was even worse, the smell just nauseated me. GROSS! And every time I begin to think about quitting and the many thoughts that come with that, like returning the apron and how I am kind of a failure, my stomach begins to knot and I begin shaking and getting dizzy. Which isn't healthy, so I hope this is done soon.

So, Dad and I went shopping for mom's Christmas presents, and all I can say was it was very interesting seeing dad get mad at all the knuckle heads who don't know how to drive. Then I had to wrap them, and I HATE WRAPPING! Well, atleast it is about done, I just have to put something into a bag, no more wrapping paper, and then I am finished with it!

Christmas is right around the corner. :) I am excited!! And I am now at a loss of words, so I better stop before I start rambling.

Song of the Week: Ai No Uta by Mai Fukui
It is the theme song for a drama/movie for Koizora. It is a heart wrenching story about a girl, who has only had one boyfriend before, meets a popular boy and his scary friend. She believes him to scary because she saw him in a fight right outside her class room, but they later become friends and even more. It is worth reading and watching. Warning: The manga isn't finished so if you want to know the end you have to watch the drama or movie. I suggest the drama. It follows the manga closer, but there are still many differences between all three of them.