Oh no, this isn't good.

School starts in 2 days!! It's scary to think I am officially a senior in high school in 3 days. I am sooo pumped. I am going to make the best of the rest of the summer. Hopefully hang with Mat. I do feel accomplished with what happened this summer, that was possible. I wanted to hang out with friends a lot, and with my grandfathers death, it took me a bit to get back to normal. But I got to have a pool party with friends, and hang out with Mat. I think the best part was seeing Rhi for 3 days straight. It had been 6 months since I last saw her.

This school year should completely be the best. I have an awesome boyfriend and a great support system for when my stress makes me explode. This will be the best year yet! <3

This is a short one because for once I don't know what to say. I know, shocker. Well there will be an update Wednesday. Wish me luck!!

There is no clock in the air,

Time is flying so fast and there really isn't a clock floating in the air. School starts in almost 2 weeks and I feel like I haven't done a whole lot with my summer. What exactly have I done with my summer? Lets see. At the beginning of the summer, right after school ended, I was babysitting. I think that's what most of my time went to this summer. I got to make money somehow. I think that day I was talking to two different people and they both surprised me in the same way. They both wanted to date me, but I wasn't sure if I felt the same way about either one of them. Peter has been my friend for a couple years, and I met him because he was a friend of a friend, and he was completely head over heels in love with the mutual friend for most of the time I knew him. Her locker is next to mine and he was always so sweet to her, he ever bought her flowers for no reason, but I had never though of him as more than a friend. The other guy, Mat (shhh...I know you all know by now but let me ramble), has been an even closer friend for a couple years. I remember when we first became friends, I was always at Alicia's house spending the night. We would call Anthony to make fun of him and we would find out that Mat was there as well. Alicia and I made fun of them both by saying they were a couple, which was hilarious. Well the first day of summer vacation, Mat was texting me always saying "wishing you were here", which I though was so sweet but I didn't know how I thought of him. We dated once before and it was kind of a rebound which I felt really bad about. Well anyways, as you all know, I am now dating him and I couldn't be happier.
Not much happened after that except for my grandfather having a heart attack July 3rd. No one really knew what was going to happen, so I filled in anywhere I could to help out everyone, and this lasted til about the end of the month when he passes away. After that we tried to get back to normal, like we knew he would want us to do. I hang out with friends at a pool party, baby sat more, and of course hung out with Mat.
Now, we are about to the present and I am getting shopping done for the school year and having my senior pictures taken. Some are coming out absolutely amazing. It makes me super duper happy but also nervous that I will be a senior in high school.
Well that's about it for today. Mat is coming over later, of course, and I have to get ready.

Song of the Week: Never Let You Go by Janice Wei Lan

Quote of the Week: "This is Cinderella and I want Pamela Anderson".

To Worry or Not to Worry

I don't know if that is even a good question. I notice I probably worry more than most people and I don't know why. It's not the worrying about dying or something like that, it is more of worrying about getting hurt. Or maybe something I did to make someone mad. Something I did that made you rethink our friendship. It's hard when so many things run through your head at once and it is difficult to sort out what is what.

I am worried about the new school year. Am I going to do okay in A.P. Calc and Psych with Mr. Thurston? Am I going to do well enough to get enough scholarships to pay for college, which is right around the corner? Am I even going to get accepted into college? Not even having to do with education, but I have bought my dress for homecoming, and I am worrying about that. It is different than any other dress I have ever gotten, or any dress that has ever been worn to my school. I may seem like a strong person who doesn't care what other people think, which may be true at some points, but everyone cares what people are saying about you.

Other things on my mind, you may ask. I am scared to lose the people closest to me. I don't want them to hate me or even dislike me. Maybe I am being too annoying or maybe I am being too clingy wanting to see them. Do you think it's bad to want to see my best friends? And maybe thinking that they are starting to hate me is all in my head but I am still scared. I never thought I could be so insecure about things like this, but the past couple years some how killed my self-esteem. I don't know what it is, but it really sucks. I second guess myself on everything. I guess it is something I am going to have to power through.

I don't know if this is really a good thing or not, but I realized that when something catches me off guard and I wasn't ready for it, I have to think about it. When there isn't time to think I usually choose wrong. After thinking about it after I realize I did choose wrong. I just hope there is time or even a chance to fix it. That's my plan for today, just to talk it out. I just hope he doesn't think I am crazy and begin to think that this was a mistake. Maybe I am just rambling and stressing over nothing.

It's crazy to think that in about 3 weeks, I will officially be a senior. I will not be babysitting on Tuesdays, only Saturdays. I will have to wake up in the morning, get ready for school, drive to school, sit through boring classes, then go home to do homework and relax the rest of the day. Over and over again. I think the only best part of school is the ability to see your friends.

Well instead of looking into the future I better tell you what I have been doing lately. Not a whole lot has happened, I have mostly been hanging out with Mat. I don't think I have ever been so hung up on a guy in my life. Yeah, I have had other boyfriends, most of them were jerks, but something about Mat makes me really believe in myself and know that there is someone who truly loves me for me. At first, I thought being so wrapped up in a guy was going to make me lose myself and the person who believed that you didn't need a guy to be happy, which is still true, but also the fact that you might not make the choices in your life for yourself. You would make them match your partners. I know that isn't what I want, and I know Mat would want me to follow my own ambitions. But knowing that it isn't bad, I can see that the more wrapped up I am, the more I am falling in love with him. It is crazy to think that but it is true. I think the one thing that is scary is getting hurt.

Wow, rereading this makes me feel so philisophical. I guess I should finish this.

Song of the Week: Speak for Myself by Aly and Aj
It's mostly about being yourself and making your choices before anyone elses.

Quote of the Week: "You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this 'cause this is where it's at."
That stupid commercial.