To Worry or Not to Worry

I don't know if that is even a good question. I notice I probably worry more than most people and I don't know why. It's not the worrying about dying or something like that, it is more of worrying about getting hurt. Or maybe something I did to make someone mad. Something I did that made you rethink our friendship. It's hard when so many things run through your head at once and it is difficult to sort out what is what.

I am worried about the new school year. Am I going to do okay in A.P. Calc and Psych with Mr. Thurston? Am I going to do well enough to get enough scholarships to pay for college, which is right around the corner? Am I even going to get accepted into college? Not even having to do with education, but I have bought my dress for homecoming, and I am worrying about that. It is different than any other dress I have ever gotten, or any dress that has ever been worn to my school. I may seem like a strong person who doesn't care what other people think, which may be true at some points, but everyone cares what people are saying about you.

Other things on my mind, you may ask. I am scared to lose the people closest to me. I don't want them to hate me or even dislike me. Maybe I am being too annoying or maybe I am being too clingy wanting to see them. Do you think it's bad to want to see my best friends? And maybe thinking that they are starting to hate me is all in my head but I am still scared. I never thought I could be so insecure about things like this, but the past couple years some how killed my self-esteem. I don't know what it is, but it really sucks. I second guess myself on everything. I guess it is something I am going to have to power through.

I don't know if this is really a good thing or not, but I realized that when something catches me off guard and I wasn't ready for it, I have to think about it. When there isn't time to think I usually choose wrong. After thinking about it after I realize I did choose wrong. I just hope there is time or even a chance to fix it. That's my plan for today, just to talk it out. I just hope he doesn't think I am crazy and begin to think that this was a mistake. Maybe I am just rambling and stressing over nothing.

It's crazy to think that in about 3 weeks, I will officially be a senior. I will not be babysitting on Tuesdays, only Saturdays. I will have to wake up in the morning, get ready for school, drive to school, sit through boring classes, then go home to do homework and relax the rest of the day. Over and over again. I think the only best part of school is the ability to see your friends.

Well instead of looking into the future I better tell you what I have been doing lately. Not a whole lot has happened, I have mostly been hanging out with Mat. I don't think I have ever been so hung up on a guy in my life. Yeah, I have had other boyfriends, most of them were jerks, but something about Mat makes me really believe in myself and know that there is someone who truly loves me for me. At first, I thought being so wrapped up in a guy was going to make me lose myself and the person who believed that you didn't need a guy to be happy, which is still true, but also the fact that you might not make the choices in your life for yourself. You would make them match your partners. I know that isn't what I want, and I know Mat would want me to follow my own ambitions. But knowing that it isn't bad, I can see that the more wrapped up I am, the more I am falling in love with him. It is crazy to think that but it is true. I think the one thing that is scary is getting hurt.

Wow, rereading this makes me feel so philisophical. I guess I should finish this.

Song of the Week: Speak for Myself by Aly and Aj
It's mostly about being yourself and making your choices before anyone elses.

Quote of the Week: "You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this, or you can get with that. You can get with this 'cause this is where it's at."
That stupid commercial.